But they called me? Worrying about cultural appropriation.

This is a thing I understand very well. I spent four years of my life identifying as Buddhist, and I've never quite gotten over the worries about being appropriative. It's part of why I spent time talking about problems that I felt the Western Buddhists had, and why I spend time trying to explain things to people. I feel a sort of obligation to try and make up for all the shit that others do.

One thing that helped me was being part of a temple community. I had a wat I went to and I helped out. I went there weekly for meditation class and on festival days I was one of the people in a temple shirt helping out with the booths. I was part of the temple fabric, and to the point where when my attendance grew rarer people became worried and curious.

You end up learning the customs of a particular culture. I was taught how to do things, like how to offer water properly or how to wai. Bits of Thai were taught to me so at the very least I could greet, thank, and apologize to people properly. It's coming from the source so to speak, and I was part of the community. Not Thai but definitely a very Thai sort of Buddhist. And when I get down on myself I can snap back and remind myself that, yes, while I do likely have problems here and there there are these people who I have become a part of.

I would suggest you read academic texts as well. Look into the history of the culture she's from, or cultures I suppose. You can focus more specifically on a particular culture. Look into the culture of the people as they stand now. Start learning bits of the language. Get a sense of who the people who honor her really are, and where she really originates from. And really, really listen to people. And if she comes from a particular religion begin studying that religion. And I'll say that while there is a definite use for academic texts about, say, Buddhism as in my case I do think that it is best to first consult the canonical texts. Then to consult texts and talks from practitioners of the religion and most especially the authority figures of said religion.

So with Buddhism the order of texts to take serious from most serious to least are The Tipitaka > The Pali Commentaries > The Mahayana Canons > Commentaries on the Mahayana Canons > Talks and books of monks and especially from the specific branch you are working with > Collections of folk tales > Other folklore and custom related primary sources if you can find them > Academic sources from the West and the East > Anything written for a casual audience in the East > Anything written for a casual audience in the West. Because I'm a brat and extremely distasteful of a lot of Western takes on Buddhism, and especially the more lax sorts I would say pay shit we write for casual audiences no mind. Turn to our academia or the talks of our monks in specific traditions and that's it. The Venerable Thanissaro Bhikkhu is a great man for example.

Do something like that with the tradition your goddess is related to.

Ahhhhh. The reason I put the Mahayana suttas where they are is because I was very specifically of a Theravadan tradition. I meant it in a personal matter, as opposed to something everyone should do. It was meant to be an example of how I do shit. Because examples of how others do things sometimes help you work things out basically. A model basically or an idea. Less something specifically to go with right down to minutia. I accept that for others the Mahayana canons are more important or equal importance. For myself personally the Pali works were and are primary. Apologies there should have been more clear.

And sadly I've never been able to shut them up. The brain weasels as you've called them. The things I did help, but they never shut things up entirely. There's always worry.

But I did not stop. Perseverance is hard. But really I think in a way it's all I can and could manage? This sort of thing is where I find meditation really helpful, honestly. Especially in the being able to break down the why of things and just kind of. Stand back and look at it.

It doesn't stop it from happening but it did help shut things up.

That's good. That you feel better. It's hard as hell, but it's rewarding to stick with it.

Gotta wage war on reality. Gotta go radically beyond.

Or I did. I don't know if I will go back. I don't really know what exactly it is I really want. That is what needs figuring out for me. Religion is hard. Life is hard. IS THIS DUKKHA? Probably. Definitely.