Helping to "settle down"; aka my religious crisis. again..
Mar 24, 2015 0:38:26 GMT -6
talha123 likes this
Post by Chev on Mar 24, 2015 0:38:26 GMT -6
Okay, so this gets long, a bit rambly, but this all has a point I promise. Also, I apologize in advance for sounding like a 15 year old who's just found information about therians... Deals with dream interpretation and communication.
So, in light of the C.A. thread that was split, I'm finding I'm being shaken in my... faith, I guess. Shaken to my links might be a better way to say it.
Largely, I'm concerned about my link with Manannan, or at least what I think is my link to him, and the "consideration" of Shiva again.
I think it has to with my re-Opening (I'm starting to feel the ties I forgot many years ago and it's trying to pick up steam), but that thread is also putting back into my head a requestioning of the... I dunno, "primary"? deity at the center of.. me, I guess. Primary and secondary, if that's even a safe thing to say.
So, a bit of back story. Sorry, this gets long but I gotta get it out. The last few paragraphs are what I sent to TPSGP, but they called it a closed religion and advised me to contact the local temple to see if it would be okay to give offerings - not to mention they don't read fanmails BUT HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DETAIL ISSUES TO THEM IF THEY ONLY GO OFF /ASK???
When I was with The Ex, I started having nightmares. A lot of nightmares. The frequency of them happening, plus the possibility of sleep paralysis twice (failed attempts at the Robert Monroe method), had me labeling them as "Attacks". I'll call them that from here on out. The frequency and vividness of them had me absolutely terrified to be in a dark room. Even going to the bathroom I would slap for the light switch to turn it on, not daring to have my hand unseen for more than a scant moment. The only way I could sleep in my room was with the light on - I had to switch out the white/yellow for a Christmas green bulb because it wasn't so bright to keep me awake, but bright enough to keep the terror at bay. I could sleep in the living room in relative darkness due to the security light outside.
The Ex gave me a bit of help, a verbal charm with his chosen magical name and a way to connect with his Guardians (Guardians and I got rather attached to each other and I... still... call them on rare occasion, just to say hi). It helped. Each night, provided I said it calmly and kept my head blank, I would not have any terrors. If I forgot, I'd wake up in a fright. I'd even have the odd one where I'd experience physical pain (e.g. one where I was the typical dream ditz and was dancing around - something dropped in my ear, around the size of an M&M - and everything turned to solid white as I collapsed as my ear squealed from the pain - it wouldn't stop hurting and I woke up with it still hurting, took about five minutes after to stop). One of them while I had been trying the Monroe method had this silvery blob wander past my room - tried to ignore it but it Shifted in the way Ghosts do in horror movies and when it entered my room it vanished and I had this band of heat wrapping around my body and it was still hot after I woke up.
So, after all of this, and we broke up, it let up. I got together with another friend, similar spiritual stuff, and sometime before or after we got together the Attacks started again. I relied on two other friends. One sent her Guardians and watched me herself. Another, after the first had to stop, gave me the names of his Others/Guards and they actually helped to train me at my request. It worked fairly well - I didn't panic nearly as much.
Then things got weird. Weird as in a 5 or 7 headed cobra or copperhead showing up in the middle of the bus where I was. Grabbed it in confusion and it bit at my hand because, hey, what are you doing? A slight Tweak and I looked down to see about.. 50? snakes, half the size of the first but with single heads, all moving away from where I was. Suddenly everything Shifted and an Attack started.
I had the same multi-headed snake show up another few times before I looked into it because it was super familiar and I couldn't remember his name but he was definitely Hindu. Come to find it was Shesha/Shesh Nag. Uh. Okay? Wow, thanks for the head's-up, sorry I am terrible at listening in dreams, I have next to no lucidity. After that, I think, came the Calls. Very rare. I think I've had about... 4? 5? Something incredibly strong and they get stronger each time. If I have another, I am not promising I won't actually cry this time. I came pretty close last time, but nothing physical came.
Okay, feel free to take me with salt at this next bit because I also think this really goes out there. It's weird, random, and what I would expect from someone starting out and reading signs where there are none. Or it just being things as part of an overactive imagination. The first one happened before I had the weird dream at my high school gym where I had an altered version of a song sung at me about being "Shiva's little girl". Same melody/notes as the song 'Wiccan Lullabye', only "Heaven's gift to me" is replaced with "Shiva's little girl". Before this I had only interest in the Final Fantasy version of Shiva. Then I have another dream with a feeling of being watched and it has a distinct, a very distinct, flavor or feeling to it before it fades away and the story progresses. Then I have a dream with a party on Mount Kailash. I'd never seen that particular mountain before. At least that I'm aware of. Could be a forgotten one of looking Shiva up before. And with these dreams, I find that I'm slowly being made immune to the fear trigger. Hell, the first one it happened on was with this dream of a puppet that was supposed to kill me with a blade made of an aluminum can. The creature lost it's power and the blade kept falling limp and I simply laughed until I woke up. I faintly felt the prods at the fear point in my head, but nothing stuck.
My connection to Manannan? I think he likes me. That's it. I mean, I'm not complaining because of Mr. Owen, a character with flavor in another dream I had, but it was really faint... He was definitely beyond 'just a character'. He gave me some sort of guidance in a dream once. First and only time I've seen him. Beyond that, because wishful thinking has me wanting to tie them together, I haven't had any major things connecting me to him; any dream that includes water is typically one where water means death or other creatures waiting with lots of pointy teeth or claws meant for tearing things apart. ... Especially if the water contains shadowat it's deepest part anywhere. ... Or is algae green. I've been put in the water, thrown or fallen in, and it's gone two ways: one, it Shifts; two, nothing happens. It's just a deep-seated fear response that tells me to get. away. Water is not safe. Water means death. You must get away. Also, personally speaking, I like woods and dirt and plants and stone and moss more than I do the deep of water, ocean, and wave, and the stones therein.
What do I do? The thing I find with Hinduism is that it all appears really intimidating. Manannan seems to like me well enough. Maybe he's just nice?
Like Ollivander once said, "It's the wand that chooses the wizard, Harry." You don't get to pick and choose who fits you, they'll let you know if they want you or reject you. Or even just tolerate you as the kid sibling or that puppy that's just too cute to kick out.
Honestly, I go through this kind of religious... crisis? every now and again because I think I haven't either declined or accepted. I've tried the deity communication spread that's on Tumblr before, but nothing made sense. Someone else tried to make sense of what I pulled and we just got out that the deity was very much "Just make up your mind and do it. It's time to grow up and be an adult." If I can find the spread/reading I pulled I'll happily share it.
... I'm sorry, this got out of hand. Any guidance anyone can offer is greatly appreciated. I'm just... lost and confused once again.
So, in light of the C.A. thread that was split, I'm finding I'm being shaken in my... faith, I guess. Shaken to my links might be a better way to say it.
Largely, I'm concerned about my link with Manannan, or at least what I think is my link to him, and the "consideration" of Shiva again.
I think it has to with my re-Opening (I'm starting to feel the ties I forgot many years ago and it's trying to pick up steam), but that thread is also putting back into my head a requestioning of the... I dunno, "primary"? deity at the center of.. me, I guess. Primary and secondary, if that's even a safe thing to say.
So, a bit of back story. Sorry, this gets long but I gotta get it out. The last few paragraphs are what I sent to TPSGP, but they called it a closed religion and advised me to contact the local temple to see if it would be okay to give offerings - not to mention they don't read fanmails BUT HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DETAIL ISSUES TO THEM IF THEY ONLY GO OFF /ASK???
When I was with The Ex, I started having nightmares. A lot of nightmares. The frequency of them happening, plus the possibility of sleep paralysis twice (failed attempts at the Robert Monroe method), had me labeling them as "Attacks". I'll call them that from here on out. The frequency and vividness of them had me absolutely terrified to be in a dark room. Even going to the bathroom I would slap for the light switch to turn it on, not daring to have my hand unseen for more than a scant moment. The only way I could sleep in my room was with the light on - I had to switch out the white/yellow for a Christmas green bulb because it wasn't so bright to keep me awake, but bright enough to keep the terror at bay. I could sleep in the living room in relative darkness due to the security light outside.
The Ex gave me a bit of help, a verbal charm with his chosen magical name and a way to connect with his Guardians (Guardians and I got rather attached to each other and I... still... call them on rare occasion, just to say hi). It helped. Each night, provided I said it calmly and kept my head blank, I would not have any terrors. If I forgot, I'd wake up in a fright. I'd even have the odd one where I'd experience physical pain (e.g. one where I was the typical dream ditz and was dancing around - something dropped in my ear, around the size of an M&M - and everything turned to solid white as I collapsed as my ear squealed from the pain - it wouldn't stop hurting and I woke up with it still hurting, took about five minutes after to stop). One of them while I had been trying the Monroe method had this silvery blob wander past my room - tried to ignore it but it Shifted in the way Ghosts do in horror movies and when it entered my room it vanished and I had this band of heat wrapping around my body and it was still hot after I woke up.
So, after all of this, and we broke up, it let up. I got together with another friend, similar spiritual stuff, and sometime before or after we got together the Attacks started again. I relied on two other friends. One sent her Guardians and watched me herself. Another, after the first had to stop, gave me the names of his Others/Guards and they actually helped to train me at my request. It worked fairly well - I didn't panic nearly as much.
Then things got weird. Weird as in a 5 or 7 headed cobra or copperhead showing up in the middle of the bus where I was. Grabbed it in confusion and it bit at my hand because, hey, what are you doing? A slight Tweak and I looked down to see about.. 50? snakes, half the size of the first but with single heads, all moving away from where I was. Suddenly everything Shifted and an Attack started.
I had the same multi-headed snake show up another few times before I looked into it because it was super familiar and I couldn't remember his name but he was definitely Hindu. Come to find it was Shesha/Shesh Nag. Uh. Okay? Wow, thanks for the head's-up, sorry I am terrible at listening in dreams, I have next to no lucidity. After that, I think, came the Calls. Very rare. I think I've had about... 4? 5? Something incredibly strong and they get stronger each time. If I have another, I am not promising I won't actually cry this time. I came pretty close last time, but nothing physical came.
Okay, feel free to take me with salt at this next bit because I also think this really goes out there. It's weird, random, and what I would expect from someone starting out and reading signs where there are none. Or it just being things as part of an overactive imagination. The first one happened before I had the weird dream at my high school gym where I had an altered version of a song sung at me about being "Shiva's little girl". Same melody/notes as the song 'Wiccan Lullabye', only "Heaven's gift to me" is replaced with "Shiva's little girl". Before this I had only interest in the Final Fantasy version of Shiva. Then I have another dream with a feeling of being watched and it has a distinct, a very distinct, flavor or feeling to it before it fades away and the story progresses. Then I have a dream with a party on Mount Kailash. I'd never seen that particular mountain before. At least that I'm aware of. Could be a forgotten one of looking Shiva up before. And with these dreams, I find that I'm slowly being made immune to the fear trigger. Hell, the first one it happened on was with this dream of a puppet that was supposed to kill me with a blade made of an aluminum can. The creature lost it's power and the blade kept falling limp and I simply laughed until I woke up. I faintly felt the prods at the fear point in my head, but nothing stuck.
My connection to Manannan? I think he likes me. That's it. I mean, I'm not complaining because of Mr. Owen, a character with flavor in another dream I had, but it was really faint... He was definitely beyond 'just a character'. He gave me some sort of guidance in a dream once. First and only time I've seen him. Beyond that, because wishful thinking has me wanting to tie them together, I haven't had any major things connecting me to him; any dream that includes water is typically one where water means death or other creatures waiting with lots of pointy teeth or claws meant for tearing things apart. ... Especially if the water contains shadow
What do I do? The thing I find with Hinduism is that it all appears really intimidating. Manannan seems to like me well enough. Maybe he's just nice?
Like Ollivander once said, "It's the wand that chooses the wizard, Harry." You don't get to pick and choose who fits you, they'll let you know if they want you or reject you. Or even just tolerate you as the kid sibling or that puppy that's just too cute to kick out.
Honestly, I go through this kind of religious... crisis? every now and again because I think I haven't either declined or accepted. I've tried the deity communication spread that's on Tumblr before, but nothing made sense. Someone else tried to make sense of what I pulled and we just got out that the deity was very much "Just make up your mind and do it. It's time to grow up and be an adult." If I can find the spread/reading I pulled I'll happily share it.
... I'm sorry, this got out of hand. Any guidance anyone can offer is greatly appreciated. I'm just... lost and confused once again.
